Depression is a sneaky monster. It can strike whenever, wherever, and just not give a shit about plans.
The last couple of months have been a little difficult for me. I don't know why. I was asked if I knew what triggered this latest bout, and I really couldn't answer. There is no external reason that I can put my finger on. My recovery from my treatment seems to be going well. Things just really seem to be going well in my life.
So if things are so good, why do I feel so bad?
When things start to feel off I usually let my support system know. I've watched people I love suffer by themselves, and I promised myself that I wouldn't do that I was able to prevent it. When I started crying for no reason, and somewhat frequently, I did let Sean know. I sometimes think that he thinks that I want him to fix me, or to solve the problem, but I'd rather he just know that I'm having a rough time and to not take this personally if I'm acting out.
It's sometimes really, really, really difficult for someone who has never experienced any sort of depression to get it. I'm not sure that's it's easy for someone with depression to understand someone else's experiences either. I know I have a difficult time explaining how I feel. I have that with MS too. I don't really know how to explain symptoms. How can one understand feeling numb but still in pain if they never have felt anything like that? Both physically and emotionally?
So, like I said, I started crying often for no reason what-so-ever. Then I lost all motivation to do anything. This post, up to this point, has taken 3 days to get here. 3 days!! I'm certainly glad that I'm not in school right now. Just thinking about having a deadline made me take a 10 minute break in this paragraph.
I think I wanted to write this as a bit of an apology. I'm sorry to Maura as I've left her to do everything. She was the one that brought me those roses and told me it's okay to be blue. She hasn't made me feel guilty about not getting the episode which was supposed to air over a week ago edited at all. I just really appreciate her. I love you Maura.
I'm feeling like I'm letting everyone down, and I'm sorry for that. But guess what? I'm also sorry to myself for allowing myself to feel the need to feel guilty. I know I can't really help it. It's like worrying. I know I can't do a thing about the majority of the shit that I worry about, but can I stop worrying? Nope!
So, while I don't know exactly what set me off, I am doing all I can to get back to MY normal. It's times like this that I wish I reacted to drugs in a more positive way. I'm working through some of the CBT exercises which have helped in the past, and working on some meditation, so maybe that will help.
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