Okay. First question - HOW DO YOU SIT DOWN AND WRITE A BLOG ABOUT SEX? When I first decided I would pen something to accompany this week's episode of the Unrefined Mettle Podcast, I knew straight away it would need to be something delicious and sexy and warm and soft. Words will need to ebb and flow, just as the sensation of a lover's touch causes the rise and fall of breath... language can be flowery, though not too much, as I am not currently interested in attempting my first "romance" or "smut" novel. (Though I confess this is something I think I will undertake ONE DAY...) Also, as I start this piece, I am aware that our website and blog are very much in public view - read: my parents can find this and read it at any given time, and I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. But then I remember that I am a 37-year old mother of two, with children who are the spitting image of their father and I - so OF COURSE my parents are aware that I have had sex. OF COURSE THEY ARE. And as I push 40 (note that I am actually excited about the prospect of turning 40!), it shouldn't really come as a surprise that I actually enjoy talking about sex, and love HAVING it even more.
So what's the point here, then? It seems like I have really just convinced myself that it's actually OK for me to write a blog about sex. What am I worried about? What do I care if someone reads this and suddenly feels very awkward about having their next conversation with me? I mean - HELLO, we're just talking about sex. It's not politics, religion, or rocket science after all. It's just SEX. Also, if you're actually acutely uncomfortable reading anything about sex, I've just given you a number of opportunities to close this window and pretend you never stumbled across this. (If you decide to leave now, THANKS FOR VISITING THE SITE! It's been a slice!)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We didn't talk a whole lot about sex in my home when I was growing up. Being the kid of two medical professionals meant that I had easy access to literally dozens of books and charts that depicted everything from the anatomically correct names for body parts, right down to full frontal photos of women giving birth. My folks taught my brother and I to use the correct terms for body parts, and how to establish personal space and boundaries that created mutual respect between ourselves and our friends and family. I don't ever remember thinking of sex as something disgusting - it sure didn't make a lot of sense when I first began to learn about it, but what I did comprehend certainly wasn't anything to be grossed out by. It's pretty normal for kids to begin questioning the physical differences between them and their siblings at SOME age - again, nothing to feel awkward about - it's just a fact of life. For me, it seemed like A went in to B, and sometimes C would happen, sometimes not. (If that doesn't make sense, C is a baby). I was not raised to believe that sex only happens so babies are made - in fact, I was raised to believe that sex could be something really fun and enjoyable between two CONSENTING people. My parents didn't harp on at us about the dangers of sex, but made us very aware that sex comes with consequences, not all of which are chubby-cheeked and soft-skinned.
I began my sexual adventures a bit earlier than I should have - and that's not a standard placed on me by my folks. Rather, when I reflect upon it, it might have been more fun to wait a few extra years and then dive head-first in to the pool of intimacy on that level. I don't regret having sex as a teenager - after all, I was well informed of the dangers, the consequences, and the possibility of contracting something serious, and I applied that to the encounters I had. I was careful, and always, always insisted on protection being used. I feel like the disappointment my parents had in finding out I was sexually active as a teenager might have been somewhat assuaged by the fact that they did such a good job of teaching me. (Mum and Dad, if you're reading this, YOU GUYS DID A GREAT JOB!!!)
But here's the thing - I have always been "overweight". I say it that way because I look at photos of myself as a teenager, and realize that I carried puppy-chub in a few places on my body but, for the most part, was quite trim. While I had a few instances of boys in my age group deeming me "totally not shaggable" because of my size, for the most part, I didn't have any problems with finding someone to be intimate with. Though I often felt ashamed of my body, I also carried myself with some bizarre combination of confidence and cockiness - and being 5'10" at age 16 certainly didn't go unnoticed...
It was towards my late teens that I started to put on more weight than I realized. Looking back on it now, I recognize that that was where I began to battle with my mental health - and eating was just one way I felt soothed during those tumultuous times. I struggled to find a place in the world that would accept me for all that I was - tall, loud, obnoxious, sarcastic AND fat. It always felt as though the world did not want to acknowledge the existence of this combination of body + personality - after all, it went against everything society demanded me to be if I wished to be attractive and appealing to the men around me. I was cast out of any inner circle I had once established a spot in - and no longer was I considered a viable option for getting down and dirty with. So, for a time, I became the "fat best friend", and simply resorted to looking on as my smaller, more attractive friends found themselves in the arms of new and exciting lovers.
I did eventually shed some of the weight - and with it, I absolutely ignited a new fire within. My confidence soared once more, and I started to feel more bold about pursuing sexual encounters. Where once I would have been described as fat, I could now label myself as "curvy", which was (and coincidentally still is) a much more acceptable body type. (I did have two children in the early 2000's, and my body has sort of stagnated in this post-pregnancy/busy-mother-of-two state... and I'M OKAY WITH THIS.)
SHOCK ALERT: I'm about to talk about porn...
Not unlike most of my peers, I was able to obtain and watch all kinds of porn. Through the wonders of the internet, and a few well-placed friends in my university dorm, I suddenly found myself with access to hundreds of films and photographs. And here's the thing - I don't remember ever feeling aroused by what I was watching. I don't recall feeling a need to watch this shit in order to get my rocks off. Instead, I found myself fascinated by the seeming ease of just hopping in the sack with someone and charging off in to the sunset, astride a well-endowed dude named John.
If we were to focus briefly on expectations versus reality, this is where mine truly began to shift - I can categorically say that NONE of the men I had had sex with were either that well-endowed, or that fierce in the skills arena... I began to dissect my previous interactions, and weighed them heavily against what I was being shown on the computer monitor before me. I then had a lightbulb moment somewhere in there, realizing that what I was seeing was so far from the reality of most sexual experiences, that it was hopeless to even compare them. (There's some solace in that, though...) But the thing that REALLY frosted my cookies (a line taken from one of my all-time favourite movies, Troop Beverly Hills) was the lack of size representation when it came to the women in these films. Not a single one of them had an ounce of fat anywhere on her overly tanned, perfectly shorn body; no stomachs jiggled with each thrust of a partner; and certainly, no double-chins were present in the making of these videos. As angry as I felt about recognizing the lack of fat bodies in porn, I don't think I was at a stage in my life where I considered it to be enough of a point to pursue starting a dialogue. Tragically enough, anyone who had an interest in watching fat women - or BBWs as they were called back then - have sex was relegated to the tiniest of links at the bottom of most major porno websites. BLARG. Thinking back on that now, it makes me sad. If I had allowed that anger to bubble in to something proactive, I might have been able to instigate these conversations with men AND women alike, and recognize the need for a movement towards having representation of ALL bodies in porn.
Okay. So, now we're here. It's 2019, and SO. MANY. THINGS. have changed since I was in university. We have the body-positivity movement (started as a campaign to end the shame of being fat, but then completely overrun by fitness "gurus" on social media who feel the only justification for being body positive is to be skinny and toned); we've seen fat models like Tess Holliday get signed on to major modelling firms, representing the larger bodies on the catwalks and on the covers of glossy magazines. We've had the #metoo and #timesup movements take the digital world by storm, proving that sexual assault and rape happen to people of ALL SIZES. My Instagram feed is filled with beautiful photos of fat women in bikinis, enjoying huge drinks on the beach in a tropical land. And let's not forget the stunning and incredible photographer, Substania Jones and her Adipositivity Project. There's a conversation happening that is gaining traction and momentum every day - and it's one I have really started to participate in and advocate for.
Yet... I still find myself at a loss for the lack of representation of fat women in the porn industry. Even today (and I've checked this for myself), you won't often find the BBW and SSBBW groups on the main pages of porn sites. NOPE - we're still a tab on the side of the screen, girls. A TAB. And that really and truly frosts my f**king cookies, y'all. Why are we still considered a "fetish"? Why is it so taboo to be aroused by and interested in sex with a fat woman? If you're not attracted to larger bodies, JUST DON'T INTERACT WITH THEM IN THAT WAY. There's no need to shame us, or hide your wildest fat fantasies from the world. You don't want to see fat women having sex? Then don't click on those links. It's really as simple as that.
And if you prescribe to the idea that fat people don't have sex, THINK AGAIN. Fat people DO have sex - in fact, we have AMAZING sex. Sure, it may not be up against the wall with our legs wrapped around him, and it may not be some sort of aerial situation in which we are suspended from the ceiling by some straps and a harness (though I have seen fat bodies in those positions, to be clear) - but it is still glorious, delicious, amazing sex nonetheless. Despite popular opinion, fat people CAN get their bodies in to all kinds of positions, and it's highly, highly unlikely that we will squish our partner in the process.
I "dared" to ask my lover to tell me what the best things about having sex with a fat woman are - and he said there's nothing in the world he loves more than feeling me against him, the softness of my skin, and the way my hips curve and bow as they reach my thighs... SIGH. SO HOT. And when I asked him what the negative things about having sex with a fat woman are? Shit - he couldn't come up with any. (I pressed him further as to whether he was choosing safety over honesty, and his eyes absolutely told me he was being truthful about the lack of negatives)
So, to recap: FAT PEOPLE HAVE SEX. Fat people love having sex with other fat people, with skinny people, with in-between people. We are delicious, sexy, warm AND soft - what more could you ask for? If you don't want to have sex with a fat person, don't have sex with a fat person. If you want to have sex with a fat person, have sex with a fat person (always keeping consent in mind, thank you very much). Stop shaming fat people for having wants, needs and desires - we are actually human, after all, despite the ever-present myth that we are hardly worthy of calling ourselves that. We're not lazy, we're not stupid, and we are not going to eat you. I'm over being just a small link or tab somewhere on a major porn site - it's time that fat bodies were front-and-centre, and the stigma surrounding our sexual selves is strongly cast aside to make room for the incredible beings that we are - IN BED!
As always, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at unrefinedmettlepodcast@gmail.com
Facebook: @unrefined mettle | Twitter: @unrefinedmettle | Instagram: unrefinedmettle
xx,
M.
Comentários