What strange times we are living in right now. Everything is cancelled or closed and we are told to stay home and away from people. That should be no problem right? I mean I spend most of my time at home, alone, anyways.
Usually I spend my time at home puttering. I'll read, edit, perhaps write something, or experiment in the kitchen. I like my solitude for the most part. My parents have been away since January and Sean is working up in the Yukon for 2 weeks at a time. For the most part it's been great. I've read a lot recently.
I thought everything was all hunky dory until this little feeling started in the pit of my stomach. It grew, and grew until it sat there like a big ball and just weighed me down. Now one might think that having a big ball of stress in one's gut might make them lose their appetite. Oh, not this girl. Let me tell you. Gaining a bunch of weight really does in a literal sense, weigh one down. But I digress.
I don't know exactly what started all my worry. I think it might have been when I took my grandma to the doctor for an infection on her foot, which ended up getting worse and required an emergency room visit as well as a few trips to the I.V. clinic. It could also be because I'm supposed to be going for my second round of immune system killing off treatment for MS next week, and with the COVID-19 everywhere in the news it's freaking me out a little. At the time of writing this I still don't know for sure if it's going ahead.
I don't want to spend hours talking about all the things that could be making my teeth constantly clench, or my fists ball up. (fist balling is always a good reminder to cut one's nails) Talking about the reasons just makes me freak out inside even more. I want to talk about how I got over it. ( well getting over is more accurate)
Now, I don't have answers. I wish I did. It would make things sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier. I have spent the last week and some days unable to do most things. I haven't finished editing the episode that was supposed to be out last week. (Thank you Maura for your support and patience with me). I have not kept my kitchen clean, which is a big deal for me. The house can be untidy, but I do not like my kitchen messy. I don't like dishes left in the sink. I have slept. If you know me, you know that there is something wrong if I sleep during the day. I just feel like if I do something I'm going to fail at it.
I have watched all three seasons of Rock of Love and hated myself for it because it's the type of show I despise. I've never watched the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Yet I watched this crap and felt worse for it.
The worst thing for me is that I just wanted to stay curled up in a ball, under my blanket and keep the world far away from me. Even the online world which right now is so much worse than usual. All the information about the coronavirus and the attitudes have been tough to deal with. Especially when people say that it's just a flu and they can go out and do what they want as it really only kills old people and sick people. Guess what? I'm one of those sick people that it might kill. I love hearing how my life is just expendable.
Ugh! I'm not trying to rant here! I do apologise! I wanted to talk about how I'm working to get through this. Now, like I've said I don't have the answers, but this has been working for me so far.
I've been spending more time focusing on my feelings of anxiety. Like for instance I know that part of why I'm feeling anxious was that I was alone and taking care of my 98 year old grandmother. We were in the emergency room of a hospital at a time when there is a worldwide viral pandemic and both of us are in a high risk category. Who wouldn't be a little anxious about that???
So once I sorted through the feelings and reasons, I had to tell myself that it was perfectly normal to worry about something like that. I even wrote myself a sticky note to remind me. Sean always bugs me that I worry about everything. Sometimes it hurts to hear that, and I try really hard not to worry, but I'm also starting to accept that I worry because I care about so many things. I can't help that, and I can't change that as much as I try. (and I have tried)
When my grandma got the all clear that her infection was all gone I had a moment of relief and the weight lifted.... and then those feelings of fear switched to myself and the treatment. I took out the note that I had written to remind myself that feeling anxiety over something like this is expected. I know that my fears over something will pass and I know that there will be relief. (that is until the next thing comes along) But.... if I remember what the relief feels like it gives me something to look forward to. Even if it's just a brief moment, focusing on that has helped me at least find a place to direct my thoughts.
I've also been meditating a lot, but I'll be honest. When I try to meditate the stress away I usually end up falling asleep. I did that in an MRI two weeks ago.
While this hasn't been the most enlightening blog post, I have accomplished something which I haven't done in what seems like forever. I didn't fail, and although I can't say for sure the grammar and spelling is up to par, it is going into the win category for me today.
Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Wash your hands and avoid people!!!!
Love,
Kate
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